No I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up thinking, "Justin was still alive at this time four years ago!"
Every time I have looked at the clock, since I finally got up at 7:11 AM, mind mind keeps repeating, "Justin was still alive at this time four years ago!"
My stomach is in complete turmoil, my mind is racing and yes I am experiencing anxiety attacks; as if this there is something I could do to change my beautiful Justin's fate of four years ago!
I am sure these feelings will continue to grow as 12:30 PM looms closer; the time my son, my constant, my beloved child was pronounced dead. I cannot 'wrap my mind around Justin's death' even four years later.
I want my son back and I will never feel this is too much to ask! I seriously would have taken Justin's place without hesitation or question. Had I been asked I would have gladly offered Justin what grace has given me to protect him.
'A'-type personalities cannot grasp the concept that they cannot fix, repair, nor find a solution~I am so angry at myself for I can do nothing...absolutely nothing. Justin and I are connected and this cannot be broken even in death. Thus I sit here and grieve while begging God not to leave me here without Justin for decades.
I must now take the star balloons to the cemetery with the messages I have written upon them. Four~ one for every year Justin has not been by my side. Then later this evening I will release them to float up to the Heavens.
I remain Justin's momma now and throughout eternity I love and miss you so greatly honey
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