When I woke this morning I began to realize
why I am experiencing such emotional turmoil; school is starting. Yes,
another school year is beginning. I did not have the opportunity to see
Justin outside of his comfort zone of academia. I never
had the opportunity to see Justin walk the stage to receive his [hard
earned] and well-deserved diplomas. Justin was awarded his college
diploma posthumously. As I have from the time Justin entered
kindergarten I will, every fall, ready my son for another school year.
Justin had confided in me during his junior year in college, "momma I really wanted to have a career in Astronomy but they do not make any money." Sadly this world, along with social pressures, breaks so many hearts. With all of his knowledge, and his years of hard work, Justin realized he would be forced to choose a position to make 'money' [so he could LIVE] over being able to choose what his heart desired. Money held no meaning for Justin he simply wanted to pursue his scholastic dreams; as do so many young adults. But we live in a time of [everything costs TOO much] and Justin like so many [in his shoes] felt pressured to conform as a means to an end; he understood all too well that he would have to choose a degree which would afford him a life in our OVERPRICED world. Justin has a degree in Astronomy and DOES NOT need any money. Thank you society from the bottom of my heart! [yes this is disgust and rhetoric on my part.]
I am the only person in [my particular place] I [and only I] understand [exactly] what my 'driving force' is and this force has driven me my entire life. I cannot purport to know what drives others I know only what drives me. I do not speculate on what drives others as this would be an impossible [waste of time]. I make no apologies for an inner driving force that kept me grounded as a teen, young adult and adult; then everything was turned upside down on January 11, 2011 at 4:27 PM when the sheriff's knocked on my door.....
Evil entered Justin's life that day and everything I thought was truth, everything I "believed in" as a human being, adult and American citizen I found to be UNTRUE. Am I angry, sometimes, mostly at myself for not being there to protect Justin, for not knowing the depth to which people will go to protect their own asses. I am Justin's momma I had always protected him from harm. I sit for hours thinking I [should have] told Justin about guns. Why for GOD'S sake would I attempt to discuss a topic with Justin about which I know nothing? We both fight with words; not guns or fists. I [should have] told Justin about [evil]. How could I share information about a topic which I had never encountered? I look for the 'good' in everyone; as did Justin. I [should have]........
Those, of you, who have known me for decades, years or even months know I am Karen DeSha, Justin DeSha-Overcash's momma, I say what I think; I always have and I always will. This senseless and horrid tragedy that took Justin in such an unbelievable manner blind sided me and took my life source knocking me to my knees and this is alright, too. I will stay on my knees until I am able to stand; and if I cannot stand again this too, is alright. I cannot [and will not] apologize for having a heart filled with strength and passion for those I love. I am who I am; but now I am broken. It happens....move on, closure, times heals, everything will get better in time???....NONE of these words mean anything to me and bring me no solace; this too is alright. I have never been one to buckle under social pressures and I am sure not going to start now. As I always have I will continue to live my life my way and if I grieve for Justin and 'pine' for his presence for the remainder of my life this is my business and my business alone.
There is no cure or medication for grief and bereavement; if you have not lost a child [and believe me when I say I hope you have not and never will] please allow me to live each day, step by step, tear by tear, in my own way; this is my path to walk unhindered by others thoughts or words. God bless and keep each of you....I am [and remain] Justin's momma [Love you my star gazer.]
Justin had confided in me during his junior year in college, "momma I really wanted to have a career in Astronomy but they do not make any money." Sadly this world, along with social pressures, breaks so many hearts. With all of his knowledge, and his years of hard work, Justin realized he would be forced to choose a position to make 'money' [so he could LIVE] over being able to choose what his heart desired. Money held no meaning for Justin he simply wanted to pursue his scholastic dreams; as do so many young adults. But we live in a time of [everything costs TOO much] and Justin like so many [in his shoes] felt pressured to conform as a means to an end; he understood all too well that he would have to choose a degree which would afford him a life in our OVERPRICED world. Justin has a degree in Astronomy and DOES NOT need any money. Thank you society from the bottom of my heart! [yes this is disgust and rhetoric on my part.]
I am the only person in [my particular place] I [and only I] understand [exactly] what my 'driving force' is and this force has driven me my entire life. I cannot purport to know what drives others I know only what drives me. I do not speculate on what drives others as this would be an impossible [waste of time]. I make no apologies for an inner driving force that kept me grounded as a teen, young adult and adult; then everything was turned upside down on January 11, 2011 at 4:27 PM when the sheriff's knocked on my door.....
Evil entered Justin's life that day and everything I thought was truth, everything I "believed in" as a human being, adult and American citizen I found to be UNTRUE. Am I angry, sometimes, mostly at myself for not being there to protect Justin, for not knowing the depth to which people will go to protect their own asses. I am Justin's momma I had always protected him from harm. I sit for hours thinking I [should have] told Justin about guns. Why for GOD'S sake would I attempt to discuss a topic with Justin about which I know nothing? We both fight with words; not guns or fists. I [should have] told Justin about [evil]. How could I share information about a topic which I had never encountered? I look for the 'good' in everyone; as did Justin. I [should have]........
Those, of you, who have known me for decades, years or even months know I am Karen DeSha, Justin DeSha-Overcash's momma, I say what I think; I always have and I always will. This senseless and horrid tragedy that took Justin in such an unbelievable manner blind sided me and took my life source knocking me to my knees and this is alright, too. I will stay on my knees until I am able to stand; and if I cannot stand again this too, is alright. I cannot [and will not] apologize for having a heart filled with strength and passion for those I love. I am who I am; but now I am broken. It happens....move on, closure, times heals, everything will get better in time???....NONE of these words mean anything to me and bring me no solace; this too is alright. I have never been one to buckle under social pressures and I am sure not going to start now. As I always have I will continue to live my life my way and if I grieve for Justin and 'pine' for his presence for the remainder of my life this is my business and my business alone.
There is no cure or medication for grief and bereavement; if you have not lost a child [and believe me when I say I hope you have not and never will] please allow me to live each day, step by step, tear by tear, in my own way; this is my path to walk unhindered by others thoughts or words. God bless and keep each of you....I am [and remain] Justin's momma [Love you my star gazer.]
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| My beautiful son on the left; with a towel on his head [?] which reminds me of a court jester of old | ! |
