I did not know how badly "The Date" was going to hit me this year. 'It' has hit me as badly as the day the sheriffs knocked on my door to deliver the tragically debilitating news of Justin's murder January 11, 2011 at 4:27 PM.
Depression is an uncontrollable emotion. I know because I never experienced [depression] before Justin was murdered. I see a psychologist once a week and there is a shelf in one of my kitchen cabinets that looks like a freaking pharmacy; yet still I have no relief from Justin being gone from my life.
I truly do not believe I will have relief until I see Justin's smile and his hand reaches for mine in the light. This is when I honestly believe I will have relief again.
Suddenly in the midst of whatever I am doing I simply [must] sleep. These sleep episodes are uncontrollable, too. I sleep for hours on end if I wake it may be to feed my animals or let Luke out and I am literally back asleep before my head hits the pillow. These are [hard] sleeps; if I dream I remember nothing, I do not hear the phone ringing, or hear if people knock, I am literally out.
This is what I have been doing since the 11th. I am typing this while I am awake because I do not know if I will experience another sleep episode. Right now I feel fine but this is how I have felt everyday then suddenly I cannot stay awake. This has happened everyday since the 12th; I have slept approximately 16 or more hours everyday.
I was accustomed to these sleep episodes for the first couple years. Then they became less and less. However, since Sunday they have come back with a fury.
I really [really] miss Justin and my life sucks without him here. I wish I could say something positive or share a moment of joy but without Justin there just is not the same hope or future. Hell there is not any future. The murderer took this all away with two bullets.
All I want is my son back, I want life the way it was one minute before the MURDER of JUSTIN HAPPENED!
Justin's [forlorn] momma
!
Depression is an uncontrollable emotion. I know because I never experienced [depression] before Justin was murdered. I see a psychologist once a week and there is a shelf in one of my kitchen cabinets that looks like a freaking pharmacy; yet still I have no relief from Justin being gone from my life.
I truly do not believe I will have relief until I see Justin's smile and his hand reaches for mine in the light. This is when I honestly believe I will have relief again.
Suddenly in the midst of whatever I am doing I simply [must] sleep. These sleep episodes are uncontrollable, too. I sleep for hours on end if I wake it may be to feed my animals or let Luke out and I am literally back asleep before my head hits the pillow. These are [hard] sleeps; if I dream I remember nothing, I do not hear the phone ringing, or hear if people knock, I am literally out.
This is what I have been doing since the 11th. I am typing this while I am awake because I do not know if I will experience another sleep episode. Right now I feel fine but this is how I have felt everyday then suddenly I cannot stay awake. This has happened everyday since the 12th; I have slept approximately 16 or more hours everyday.
I was accustomed to these sleep episodes for the first couple years. Then they became less and less. However, since Sunday they have come back with a fury.
I really [really] miss Justin and my life sucks without him here. I wish I could say something positive or share a moment of joy but without Justin there just is not the same hope or future. Hell there is not any future. The murderer took this all away with two bullets.
All I want is my son back, I want life the way it was one minute before the MURDER of JUSTIN HAPPENED!
Justin's [forlorn] momma
 |
| Christmas 2009 Justin and me having our epic Silly String battle! We always had so much fun from the time Justin was six months old until he was [murdered] we laughed about everything..now nothing is funny! |
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