I Want My Son's Life Back

Today is the 11th of November marking two years and ten months since Justin was murdered. I refuse to say lost or taken, during a conversation with another mother she made sense when she adamantly stated, "I did not loose my daughter; she was murdered!" I never lost Justin at any point of his twenty two short years; never!

I didn't even like making Justin sit in the car alone all hot, dirty and tired after a sports practice while I shopped when he needed to get home shower and finish up any homework assignments he might need to complete. One particular evening football practice ended a good bit earlier than usual and yes I had run to the grocery store. CJ Charles Green and Carmen Le'Hazel Green's mother [Lora Green] said, "Justin we'll just run you home." Lora still enjoys telling this story, because Justin was so animated, he looked up at her [he was 11 years old] and said. "Oh no Mrs Green. If my mommie comes and I'm not here she'll freak out." Justin was right I would have FREAKED OUT; ergo, why it is difficult for so many to understand the depth of my bereavement and grieve. I guess I have [freaked out] Justin's not here and I cannot find him.

I know no one but me understands my despair and this is alright. I have never expected anyone to understand my beliefs, my heart, my mind, my love or my joy for my child, Justin. These innate qualities are mine and mine alone; I was born with them and yet there are people who think I can simply push 58 years aside. I honestly do not care who understands, in the scheme of things it truly does not matter, Justin is my son and this is my life and my road which I have no fear to walk alone.

I go to bed each night and my last thought is, "Justin is dead." When I wake my first thought is, "Justin is dead." I died on January 11, 2011 with Justin. I move, I breath, my heart beats, my mind is muddles, confused, thought is difficult, attention span none, I pray a lot, I cry a lot, I daydream about all the memories and I do thank God he gave me the ability to remember with vivid detail each [and every] moment with Justin so I can relive the laughter, the hugs, the pranks, the 'ventures', the excitement and enthusiasm, the unconditional love, his understanding and acceptance of my uniquely bohemian personality.

God gifted me [and I did not deserve such a beautiful gift] but God chose me to be Justin's momma and I will be forever grateful. Justin taught me so much and I will never forget even one of these life lessons. Honey I miss you so much the pain is unbearable and life seems so bleak. Please watch over us because you know how much we need you. Honey I will love you until the end of time and far beyond; see you in the light Babe, momma