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| Sweet Cali you will be missed; thank you for your kind devotion to me.~2012 |
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| My beautiful son, Justin, holding Luke while Sandi [Chihuahua] looks annoyed and jealous~ 2005! |
This became a traumatic day when I found an article about the UMd tragedy, that occurred last week, and the idiot [reporter] who penned the article 'trashed' Justin. I went 'off the deep end' [to say the least] and began sending emails; finally I was able to speak with a young woman...well I did not really [speak] I was screaming, screeching, crying and cursing like a crazed woman who LOST all control. How can people be so cruel and callous? My SON IS DEAD for God's sake LEAVE HIM ALONE, LET HIM BE. I am sick and tired of fabricated scenarios; why are some people so much more interested in LIES than THE TRUTH! LIFE is not a F**KING SOAP OPERA! My nerves needed all of this like I need a DAMN HOLE IN MY HEAD!
To make matters more complicated I had to finally face the reality, our Chihuahua, Paco Sanchez III [aka Sandi] is more than ready to cross the "Rainbow Bridge"; we always want to hold on [well I do anyway]. I have never understood why our precious pets cannot live longer lives. So I sat down and made the call to arrange [a day] I have dreaded every day for the past 6 months. A very nice lady answered the phone and graciously listened to me explain the reason for my call. She was so patient and understanding and after a short pause she said, "You can come in the morning." My heart began to pound and I blurted, "No! Not tomorrow!" Why? Because I wanted to hold on just a little longer. A decision was made that I would bring my precious Sanman [my nickname for him] at 5 PM on Friday. I hung up the phone, still crying, with what remains of my heart aching; but I cannot allow my dear buddy to suffer any longer. I resigned myself to the reality that at 5 PM this coming Friday Sanman would leave me to be with Justin.
All of this wore me down emotionally and I laid down on the bed around 7:30 PM this evening and had every intention of just laying there for a minute or two; I must have fallen into a deep sleep. I was jolted so abruptly, by the sound of one of my cats literally screaming, I thought it was morning. I jumped out of the bed and ran toward the screaming only to find Cali [my rescue Calico] in the hallway in great distress. As I picked her up she passed away before could even stand up with her in my arms. I sat down on the sofa holding her, rocking back and forth trying to administer CPR. When I realized my actions were moot I began to scream and cry; I am so tired of death. I've been outside for the past hour digging her grave even though I cannot bring myself to put her in there tonight. I know I'm an idiot, I know she's gone; but what if.....everything is prepared and she will be laid to her gentle rest in the morning.
It was when I came back in from digging sweet Cali's grave I knew that I have to take Sanman tomorrow so he can finally be free to move on, too. Sandi is my final connection with Justin so yes it is very hard to let go; but I must for Sanman's sake.
"Life is hard; dying is easy."
I remain Justin's sad and broken momma ♥
Good bye my sweet, sweet Cali, I will miss you greatly.
