The Aquarius Mom

"Eclectic hardly begins to describe you. “You’re affectionate yet aloof, stern yet spontaneous, the world’s mellowest control freak,” write the AstroTwins. Organized chaos is your specialty, meaning that your family life never becomes boring. You might be surprised by the depth of emotion motherhood has brought to your normally intimacy-fearing self—and you have your fourth house of motherhood, governed by traditional Taurus, to thank for that. Be careful not to lose site of your true edgy self or you may build up resentment or trigger an identity crisis."

"Organized chaos" describes me to a 'T'!! I lost sight of myself because of loving you so much honey; this is quite alright, I do not mind in the least. Justin DeSha-Overcash you were so loving back you found the 'key to my heart'!

I found it interesting that my fourth house of [Motherhood] is governed by traditional Taurus ~ and you Babe are a Taurus! Gosh knows I wish you were hear so I could pick up the damn phone and call you!

Nope there was [never] a dull moment in our house was there honey? Justin you brought out in me a depth of emotion I never knew I had or could experience. Thank you honey so very much for I never knew true love until you came into my life. Justin I have no regrets we had so much fun and laughed a lot. I just wish this had not come to an end.

Oh and not to worry Justin, for you know me well, there was never a moment of resentment or identity crisis, on my part, before or after I saw that tiny beautiful face in the delivery room May 1, 1988 at 2:41 AM. Only joy and happiness can, and will continue, to be found in my shattered heart for you honey.

I am lucky I guess for you'd have to say I have so many memories to play over and over in my mind of the laughter filled moments which no one can take away from me, Honey I love and miss you something awful, momma

Justin Christmas 2009 we had a great day!  Laughter, conversation, an epic silly string battle, great food, special sweets and treats....son I miss you so very much I do not even bake Red Velvet cake anymore...your favorite.  I wish we could go back in time, just one minute before you were shot, and somehow your fate could be changed.  I would gladly take your place Justin my son, my constant, my beloved, my joy, my heartbeat, mt breath, my everything.

Depression and Mothers of Murdered Children

I did not know how badly "The Date" was going to hit me this year.  'It' has hit me as badly as the day the sheriffs knocked on my door to deliver the tragically debilitating news of Justin's murder January 11, 2011 at 4:27 PM.

Depression is an uncontrollable emotion.  I know because I never experienced [depression] before Justin was murdered.  I see a psychologist once a week and there is a shelf in one of my kitchen cabinets that looks like a freaking pharmacy; yet still I have no relief from Justin being gone from my life.

I truly do not believe I will have relief until I see Justin's smile and his hand reaches for mine in the light.  This is when I honestly believe I will have relief again.

Suddenly in the midst of whatever I am doing I simply [must] sleep.  These sleep episodes are uncontrollable, too.  I sleep for hours on end if I wake it may be to feed my animals or let Luke out and I am literally back asleep before my head hits the pillow.  These are [hard] sleeps; if I dream I remember nothing, I do not hear the phone ringing, or hear if people knock, I am literally out. 

This is what I have been doing since the 11th.  I am typing this while I am awake because I do not know if I will experience another sleep episode.  Right now I feel fine but this is how I have felt everyday then suddenly I cannot stay awake. This has happened everyday since the 12th; I have slept approximately 16 or more hours everyday.

I was accustomed to these sleep episodes for the first couple years.  Then they became less and less.  However, since Sunday they have come back with a fury.

I really [really] miss Justin and my life sucks without him here.  I wish I could say something positive or share a moment of joy but without Justin there just is not the same hope or future.  Hell there is not any future.  The murderer took this all away with two bullets.

All I want is my son back, I want life the way it was one minute before the MURDER of JUSTIN HAPPENED! 

Justin's [forlorn] momma

Christmas 2009 Justin and me having our epic Silly String battle!  We always had so much fun from the time Justin was six months old until he was [murdered] we laughed about everything..now nothing is funny!

!

Justin DeSha-Overcash's Memorial Video 2015

No I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up thinking, "Justin was still alive at this time four years ago!"
Every time I have looked at the clock, since I finally got up at 7:11 AM, mind mind keeps repeating, "Justin was still alive at this time four years ago!"

My stomach is in complete turmoil, my mind is racing and yes I am experiencing anxiety attacks; as if this there is something I could do to change my beautiful Justin's fate of four years ago!

I am sure these feelings will continue to grow as 12:30 PM looms closer; the time my son, my constant, my beloved child was pronounced dead. I cannot 'wrap my mind around Justin's death' even four years later.

I want my son back and I will never feel this is too much to ask! I seriously would have taken Justin's place without hesitation or question. Had I been asked I would have gladly offered Justin what grace has given me to protect him.

'A'-type personalities cannot grasp the concept that they cannot fix, repair, nor find a solution~I am so angry at myself for I can do nothing...absolutely nothing. Justin and I are connected and this cannot be broken even in death. Thus I sit here and grieve while begging God not to leave me here without Justin for decades.

I must now take the star balloons to the cemetery with the messages I have written upon them. Four~ one for every year Justin has not been by my side. Then later this evening I will release them to float up to the Heavens.

I remain Justin's momma now and throughout eternity I love and miss you so greatly honey