I wrote the following letter to my son in 2008; sometimes I find it is easier to write down your thoughts and then the reader has an opportunity to understand the writers true intent. Be patient with your children; it's their first trip on the planet. Children will not know [and cannot learn] if their parents aren't loving, understanding and interested!
September 9,
2008
Dear Justin;
I am use to
writing to Ty but I do not believe I have ever written a letter directly to
you? I have written many post cards,
greeting cards, short notes; the “be right back” kind but never a letter. I have stored away several letters I wrote to
you when you were an infant and a toddler.
If you would like one day you may read them; or as I have always
intended I will just leave them for you to read many years from now.
I really
enjoyed our recent visit; I cannot even express how special the time spent with you is for
me. Although it was far too short to suit me; it was probably just the right
amount of time in your opinion! hahaha
I am aware you have grown into a man and our relationship will never be
as it was when you were a child; but I will always miss this wonderful time from
your younger years. I never knew it
would all go by so fast or that I could love someone so unconditionally; other
than my parents and siblings. I can see
you in my mind rolling your eyes at that statement but you will always hold the
# 1 spot in my heart; it’s a parental prerogative. When you have children you will totally
understand this emotion.
I will reiterate the constant I have to offer you throughout life; honesty this is another of my personal habits which sets me apart. I found it amazing a few years ago that
people were emailing a web site to ask if something they were
saying or doing was ethical! WHAT? If you do not have enough common sense to
know what is and is not ethical you need serious help! Right from Wrong is distinct; there is no
cause which would prevent one from the ability to decipher the difference! Possibly
other than mental illness or inebriation from drugs or alcohol every one knows Right from Wrong. Whether someone chooses to do right or wrong
is a whole different subject; in choosing either there are always consequences
which one must pay. If a person can do
wrong and live with the consequences so be it.
I have made bad decisions as well as wrong decisions; everyone has. Heck, mistakes are the only thing we can call
our own! I have done things wrong and
now, days, weeks, months, even years later I must live with the memories and
the consequences of my choices. It is
all part of being human and having the gift of free will.
Illegal, I plead
the fifth; but allow me to add I am one of the very lucky ones. I did not get caught and punished or perish early
for choosing to do something before thinking out the consequences. I did not realize at the time that my choices
would remain in my memory to come back and haunt me in my later years. Justin you are going to do what you are going
to do, it is predestined; as your mother I will always want to protect you and
tell others they do not know you as I do.
I will always side with you and the decisions you make for yourself. I
clearly raised you to be independent, until recently, little did I know how well
you learned this lesson. I will forever
be here for you no matter what road you choose to travel [that is what mothers]
do protect, love, support and believe in their children. In my heart I truly wish you to never have to
endure the experience Ty has had to live at such a young age. Ty has grown so much throughout this awful
ordeal; but it could just as easily have gone the wrong way. Be very careful in walking the fine line
between legal and illegal honey; jail is no place for a middle class white male
to spend any time at all. I am so happy
to see you learning to rein in your aggression.
It took me so much longer to get a hold on mine I think I figured out it
scared the hell out of people somewhere in my 30’s. “Sugar and Honey” gets me so much more than
anger ever got me. I know you saw so
much aggression and anger from me at home growing up and this was wrong of me
but as I tried several times to explain to you the anger truly was displaced; I
was so angry at myself and extremely frustrated that I had settled for a life
which did not allow me to pursue my dreams.
Relationships are a two way street with each party bearing equal shares
of the success or failure. I have wanted
to share with you the following statement for the past few years; [you were
never the issue]...I love you more than life itself…and you are the BEST work I
have ever accomplished on this planet. You
are truly a subject in which I would get an “A+”! hahahaha
I really
wish I lived closer to you, not that I would want to interfere with your life; not being able to see you for 8 months was very
difficult. But I am learning that you
must lead your own life and I have a place in it, it is just a different place than
when you were a child. I have always
been told I am good at embracing change and will find my place in our evolving
relationship as Son and Mother.
You are in
my thoughts daily…you float in and out of my mind all day, every day and will
forever be my first and last thought of my day.
I love you so much honey,
momma
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